The title of this blog is part of a blessing written by an amazingly beautiful poet, author, Catholic priest, mystic, John O’Donohue. I have included another piece of his work below that connects perfectly to what I feel like to have received the most recent news. Death isn’t a topic I’ve ever spent ANY time thinking about. And not something, honestly, that I spend much time thinking about now, and yet there has been a shift in me. A realization that this is serious, we’re not messing around, put on your spiritual armor, Suz, and focus fiercely.
I honestly believe that we are c0-creators of our lives and therefore I’m trying to grapple with why chemotherapy, of all things, is a threshold I’ve been asked to cross. I’m not one to try a six-year macrobiotic diet and see if cancer cells are kept at bay. I want it all out, every last bit, and as soon as possible, so I can live a long, full and healthy life. Maybe that’s why.
From what I know so far, chemotherapy means (and I’ll know more after Tuesday when I meet with Dr. Tan) that for 6 months, every 2-3 weeks I’ll receive a 3 hour does of chemo, coupled with some sort of fanny pack for 2 more days, then potentially 2 days after the treatment feeling like hell (or not), recover for a bit of time, then repeat. So, of course a thousand questions pop up. I’m told the treatments could make me uber sensitive to cold, have long bouts of diarrhea, be exhausted. Speaking of my wee cabin equipped with outhouse and no running water my sister says, “You’ll probably want a real toilet for pooping your brains out and after that you’ll most likely want a shower!” So there you go.
And for this journey I’ll pack these questions in my spiritual backpack: what are my priorities, what do I need to put a laser-like focus on, how can I express my boundaries, what and who support my priorities, where can I be brave, where can I conserve energy, what do I want to bring more into focus to harness what comes out of this experience in the future? (To name a few).
A very wise woman guided my fears with an empowering thought. “This is not an easy path but you are choosing to be soul smarter. It’s like going through 30,000 lifetimes in 6 months. You’ll come out more knowledgeable and powerful.”
We’ve all been afraid of the unknown at some point right? We like guarantees before we jump off the cliff that we’re not just going to face plant and then have to pick up the pieces. There are no guarantees, of course, but I do play a part. . .and so do all of you. This is when we can envision, imagine, intend. . . this is when we focus and filter out that which does not serve. This is when we cry when it’s time and stand tall when it’s time and be held when it’s time. This is when we prepare for “what you need to learn to become more fully yourself, that your presence may shine in the world.”
The same wise woman reminded me again that my heart needs to be open to “ALLOW, ALLOW, RECEIVE, RECEIVE!” That my “family” spreads wide and my friends are like family. There is a great deal of healing power in the land of Alaska for me.
The first time I read this poem I was sitting in my cabin with Diana Johnson. I started reading it to her and we both wrinkled up our noses and said “that’s not what this feels like” and stopped reading before it was finished. A friend mailed me a little care package of poetry and inside was this poem again. I read it yesterday. This time, I connected deeply, intimately, realistically. I cried. The possibility of death changes everything. The possibility of truly living each day:
Compassionate of heart,
Clear in word,
Gracious in awareness,
Courageous in thought,
Generous in love.
Inspires. . .
John O’Donohue, A Blessing for a Friend on the Arrival of Illness
Now is the time of dark invitation beyond a frontier that you did not expect.
Abruptly your old life seems distant.
You barely noticed how each day opened a path through fields never questioned
yet expected deep down to hold treasure.
When the reverberations of shock subside in you,
may grace come to restore you to balance.
May it shape a new space in your heart
to embrace this illness as a teacher
who has come to open your life to new worlds.
May you find in yourself a courageous hospitality
towards what is difficult, painful and unknown.
May you use this illness as a lantern
to illuminate the new qualities that will emerge in you.
May your fragile harvesting of this slow light help you
release whatever has become false in you.
May you trust this light to clear a path
through all the fog of old unease and anxiety
until you feel a rising within you,
a tranquility profound enough to call the storm to stillness.
May you find the wisdom to listen to your illness,
ask it why it came,
why it chose your friendship,
where it wants to take you,
what it wants you to know,
what quality of space it wants to create in you,
what you need to learn to become more fully yourself,
that your presence may shine in the world.
May you keep faith with your body,
learning to see it as a holy sanctuary
which can bring this night wound
gradually towards the healing and freedom of dawn.
Blessings and Gratitude 
It was amazing to see you “at” the play tonight. Your presence is such a gift.
And a good reminder that I promised to send you this poem ages ago:
What We Need Is Here
Geese appear high over us,
pass, and the shy closes. Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith:
What we need is here.
And we pray, not for new earth or heaven,
but to be quiet in heart,
and in eye, clear.
What we need is here.
-Wendell Berry
(I have most likely messed up the original line breaks as I’m typing this from a handwritten copy. I hope Wendell can forgive me.)
Peace & Love,
t
What a stunningly beautiful and profound post, Suzanne…..THANK YOU. Again, I’m amazed at the clarity you are having during this time. It was Such a joy to see you on that screen last night!!!! Did you catch the HAPPINESS and pride in the faces of those kids as they waved to you and showed you the quilt??! It was amazing!!! They were so excited that you were able to watch! They did a bang up job! My favorite part was Willa excavating a booger out of her nose.
Wrap up warm and cozy in that quilt and you will be fine!!!
8 inches of snow up here this morning, btw. Enjoy St. Louis!!
:)Such beautiful, clear, and powerful writing. John O’Donohue has long been favorite. Blessings, always.
Well, if you’re in Alaska, you can live with us of course.
We have a hot tub indoors for you to soak your tired and sore muscles, a very relaxing shower, and you’ll have your own private bathroom.
And you can hang out in the yurt whenever you need more quiet space, our dogs will be best friends, we’ll cook all organic foods, Ed will play nice calming music on the guitar, Mimi will dance, Evan will draw, and we’ll walk on the Coastal Trail with friends. 🙂
I found you!! I have just read all your journal entries and I thank you. Since your departure from Winterberry, there definitely is the void of your vibrant energy and loveliness. Even prior to reading the gut-wrenching, inside out heart, painful, purification of the soul, prose, you have written, I have done nothing but think about you daily and your incredible strength.
Of course maybe my perspective is based on your last fall mountain race. I am still in awe. That stamina and perseverance to succeed is engrained in your body. It is something special that makes athletes push to the end, never give up and win! It is the mantra you say to yourself to keep going, I can do this, I can, I can…..I will! It is a special trait that I am still trying to pinpoint. However, I know in my experience with teachers, I really gravitate toward the athletic ones. Because once again, it is the drive, the perseverance that creates the positive forward moving energy to make it happen. This is who you are. I know in my soul, you will continue on this mountain race with the same strength, determination and in the end will succeed!
I just recently explained to someone, however, corny it sounded, that I like that my kids do the mountain races. It teaches everything about life. Of course, most people would not understand or agree. But, when we begin to train, it is a commitment, it is knowing your body, learning your body, pacing your body, being at one with your little inside engine and the forces in your brain that make it strong and willful. It is judgement on the trail, it is foresight, it is common sense, it brings successes, it brings failure, there is pain, there is incredible joy. I tell myself and my children, stay in your zone, do what you do best, be strong, when tired, remind yourself, ‘you are strong, you can do it!” I have learned and found that the things I say, think, act out in mountain training and racing are the same very successful characteristics that parallel life.
I have began, what I call training (certainly not an Eric Strabel training session) and each time I run, climb and push, I think about you. I treasure that I have this moment, this time, this opportunity to drive my body and I must relish it. I think what would Suzy do? She can’t right now, but I can, I will. I will for me, I will for her.
We are thinking about you daily.
Ms Drinen….This is your mountain race, it just sucks because you did not train for this particular mountain, but you are still going to win!!! Dig in, make it happen.
We love you !!!!
Leah, Alejandra, Kelemen and Samantha Sunshine
side note: We took Mary up Bird Ridge a few days ago-her first real strenuous work-out, It was awesome! so glad I could contribute to sore quads! 🙂 Super Mary has done it, now go Super Suzy!!!
Suzi- just want you to know that I’m thinking about – alot! Wishing you all the courage, support and care that you need to tackle this like everything else you do – with guts and beauty. I’m here if you need anything, but I do just have an extremely full outhouse and no running water.
Suzanne,
How is the decision-making process coming along?
Please know you can call us anytime if you’d like (646-1122).
Love you.
this poem is powerful…I am glad it found its way to you many times. I am copying it for my own reminders!
Thank you.
With Gracious Gratitude and more I’ll, no doubt, grow to give and understand with greater grace.
Sharing your story and others strong and tender poetry. Made me happier to feel the grateful forces I make a willing effort to merge with each day. This year marks off 20 years (knock love ). Since my own multi faceted arc of mute despair and the opportunity to demonstrate better loving care for others. Blessings of Love. Light up every molecule because they are already.